Observation Blessing

I have the honor of watching my son, Finn, grow.  This past Friday was his 2nd birthday.  I still can't believe how time flies!  He has literally been with me from the beginning of my teacher training.  I found out I was pregnant about 5 months before I was to begin at CBAS.  Thankfully Robin, my director, was extremely encouraging and welcoming to my big news.  I almost postponed my schooling, but she assured me that now was just as good a time as any.  And she was completely right!  I am SO thankful I had my fellow CBAS peers to help me through the pregnancy and motherhood transitions.  And now we call Finn our Master Teacher - and for good reason!

The other day I observed how he picked up a crayon to hand to me... it's a bit hard to translate to you without showing you... but, I'll give it a go:  as he bent over, his knees were free and moving forward, he had his full back as his arm extended out onto the floor, his eyes saw the object and I didn't sense any tension in his Self, his fingers grasped the crayon then his fingers led his arm which led his shoulder and torso to turn toward me.  With his eyes still on the crayon, his head followed this movement and then his hips and legs followed everything else.  It was such a great example of All Together, One After the Other!

I was also taken in by how he was not in a rush.  He had all the time in the world and there was absolutely no need to give his Mama the crayon faster than he did.

So many lessons like this one play out before me every single day.  I am so blessed to get to see them first hand... especially while I'm working through my teacher training!

Strong Stimuli

So... I am often stumped on what to do with strong stimuli.  You know there will be something (could be anything) maybe an electronic device, a loud noise, a room, or even a person... whatever it is, it seems to always get your goat.  And by that, I mean bring you down both literally and figuratively.

So... how do we handle strong stimuli?  Ignoring it sometimes makes the "down" stronger.  Removing it might be an option, but when it's not an option what can you do?

One thing I like to play with is "inclusion".  Whatever the stimuli, I try to include it into my environment. Accept it.  I don't mean I have to like it, but rather say to myself "It is what it is.  I am with myself and the stimulus is doing it's own thing.  I do not need to take on the negativity I am feeling with this stimulus.  I will allow the stimulus to have it's own space while I have my own space and Self.

OK - So, I know this is a lot easier said than done.  I'm not saying I succeed a whole lot, but maybe over time this concept will start to sink into my being and become second nature to me.  What can it hurt?

Meade Andrews' Preparing the Receptive Field

I am very fortunate to study under Meade Andrews.  She has taught at many of the Alexander residential workshops I have attended and also visits my school, Chesapeake Bay Alexander Studies.  She was teaching us this past November and walked us through what she calls "Preparing the Receptive Field".  This is an activity that she leads groups through at the beginning of the day or the beginning of the conference.  The idea behind it is that is an activity that helps unite the group and focuses the individual on their Self and their surroundings.  This activity has taken various modes - but whatever the awareness activity, it helps our sensory receptors to wake up and look around.

This past weekend, we started with the "sacred circle" which means the group stands in a circle (not an oval, not an ameba but an evenly spaced circle).  We enjoy that environment for a moment.  Next we turn around so that we are facing away from the circle.  We check in with our own backs.  After we have our own back we sense the backs of everyone in the circle and then turn back in to face the circle.  It is amazing how much the energy of the group has changed by this point!!  We were really cookin' that morning.  Each of us have our own back and we also have the support of the collective back of the group.  We take a moment and with no one indicating, we take one step into the circle.

After this introduction, we walked about the room sensing the dynamic of our own back while in movement.  We would pause occasionally and come to stillness.  Our partners were then allowed to put a hand on our back or shoulder while we paused in space.  This symbiotic connection was pretty darn cool.  No matter if I was the one with the hand on my back or if I was the one with my hand on the other's back, we both were sensing one collective back.

Another really cool thing that happened was that Meade was explaining this type of connection and she offered her hand to me.  I took her hand as if to shake it and I completely felt a wave go through my body.  Sounds a little crazy, I know.  But what it boils down to is that whatever we have in our hand - be it a pencil, fork, violin etc - we automatically map it to our body.  So if two people are aware of this mapping, then one of the results may be this type of tangible wave or energy flow.  All we were doing was connecting hands while thinking through our use.  Pretty amazing!

Tyranny of Symmetry

Last month in my weekend training at Chesapeake Bay Alexander Studies (in Greensboro, NC) my director, Robin Gilmore, mentioned this phrase - "tyranny of symmetry".  I didn't have my note book in front of me so I failed to write down the context of this phrase.  But for some reason the phrase has kept swirling around in my noggin.

A lot of questions have been popping up more than answers:

• When is symmetry tyrannical?
• How does symmetry differ from balance?
• Is it possible to find balance (in my Self) when I'm not symmetrical? 

Right now, I think that I need balance much more than symmetry.  I can be balanced without being symmetrical and I could also be symmetrical without being balanced.  So... symmetry becomes tyrannical when it is the goal (the End).  If I let go of the need to be symmetrical, maybe I will enjoy the process of balance a little more... and actually be more balanced!

I like applying this to other areas of my life as well... I think finding balance is incredibly important in livig a healthy life.

Live in the Tension; Lean into the Ambiguity

Last Sunday, my church had a guest speaker.  The main point she kept referring back to was this phrase, "Live in the tension; lean into the ambiguity".  Her application of it is talking more about the "unknowns" in our every day life and how they can bring us so much stress.  For example, there are many tense-filled moments with my son as he is growing to into his own individual self.  His defiance and power struggle with me brings a lot of tension and stress.  The speaker's point is that I can live/rest/chill-out in those moments of tension because those are the times that I will meet God.  Those moments are inevitable, so why fight & struggle... wasting all of that energy.

The same concept applies to "lean into the ambiguity" - only the context changes.  For example, if a student is beginning to fret and worry over what they are going to do with the rest of their life after they graduate... the answer is quite unclear.  For any of our questions dealing with our future selves or worries over things we have no control... that is when we should invite ourselves to lean into that ambiguity.  Which, for me, that means to breathe, look from a larger perspective, and seek direction.

You are probably already connecting the dots that I did... When I get pulled down into an activity I lose myself.  I lose the larger perspective.  I lose my breath.  I lose my direction.  I remember so clearly the first year or so of AT lessons where I kept trying to "get it right".  I also remember having no clue whatsoever if what I was sensing was accurate or if the directions I was giving myself were helpful.  The whole concept and practical application of AT was ambiguous!  But I kept "living in the tension" of not "getting it right" and I kept "leaning into the ambiguity" and trusting the AT process.  Of course over time I have learned to take a breath, become aware of my self and my surroundings, to give myself direction... all of which doesn't seem ambiguous anymore!

Please know that I am not making any connection to God and the Alexander Technique.  I'm not saying that one will find God through AT... but I was immediately attracted to the language this guest pastor used and thought it could also be applied to my work in AT.  I don't know... when I think of these phrases, they kind of bring the breath to me.

An interesting experiment with language.

Fighting the "Good Student" Syndrome

There are countless times a day I find myself in my old "comfortable" habits.  And then I immediately get frustrated with myself, "Oh. My. Goodness.  Why am I in this position?!  Haven't I learned anything through my AT years?" etc. etc.

Then of course after that, I tell myself, "it's alright... we all have habits.  Even my teachers fall into their habits."  While I try to convince myself of this message, I secretly still wish I was "doing better" with AT.  I want to be a prize pupil.  I want to have amazing use all the time so that I my future self will thank me!

(sigh)

I think I'll be having this conversation for awhile.

Commitment

I am fortunate enough to have a few people volunteer to be my AT guinea pigs during my last year of teacher training.  I have one person in particular who's career is based on the fact that they have a good voice.  This person is running into similar issues that F.M. ran into... losing his voice often and medical doctors are having a difficult time "fixing" it.  Along with AT, I am also using Kristen Linklater's book, Freeing the Natural Voice, to help him understand how the voice & breath work.

My "student" knew nothing about AT and nothing about the voice (how he has a job that requires good vocal use without ever taking any vocal training still befuddles me a bit!).  When we first met, I explained that over the years he has taken on some habits that are not helpful.  These habits (and we all have them) have taken years to form and now they seem very comfortable and "natural" to him... they even seem "right".  I went on to say that letting these habits go so that you are able use your whole Self more efficiently will take quite a bit of time and commitment.  This will not be a quick fix, but rather slow and steady wins the race.

His response was that he understands that "fixing" this issue will take time and he's ready for the long haul.  I understand that sometimes AT and vocal training can seem ethereal or just plain weird to some people so, I am very impressed with his courage to try something "outside the box".  I have given him "homework" at the end of each session like: "start to notice when & where your body is carrying extra tension"; "throughout the day visualize your skull delicately moving forward and up away from the top of your spine" (etc.).  His response to my homework is something to the effect of, "but what can I do to help my voice?"; "can you give me a vocal warm-up?" (etc.).

SO... I am hearing him say that he is willing and able to commit to the long haul, but I am experiencing him wanting to "do" something to fix his problem now.  I'm sure this is a common dilemma for AT teachers to experience, but of course it's my first time at the rodeo.

If anyone has suggestions, I'd love to hear them!  For now, I think I will continue to encourage the process and continue to find new/creative ways to explain the process.  I hope he sticks with me!!! I have a feeling he might bail and that would really stink!

Information Overload

I've started back to classes this fall.  (I teach acting and performance at a small university in Greenville, SC).  One of the classes I'm teaching is Movement for Actors.  This is one of my all time favorite classes to teach.  The first third of the semester I have devoted to AT.  I truly believe that actors needs to fully understand and be aware of their bodies before they dive into manipulating their bodies into various characters.

I'm finding, however, that I get so very excited that I want to tell my students EVERYTHING I know all at once.  I have a great desire to give them (right away) everything I've learned about AT over the past 12 or so years.  Talk about information overload!

I asked myself why I have this need.  And I really think it's more of my habit of End Gaining.  I fall back into my habit of wanting to present AT to my students in the "right" way.  This of course puts a ton of pressure on me!  I secretly desire my students to "get it right" so that they can be healthier people and more proficient performers.  That secret desire is also extended to myself... I very much want to "get it right" and be a very good professor.

I was able to calm that End Gaining feeling down a little bit throughout that first class, but I know that it will be a struggle throughout the rest of the semester.  Well... End Gaining will be a struggle throughout my life!

A Little Easier

I had another very big stressing moment happen to me today.  I read an email that instantly got my blood boiling.  My jaw clenched, my eyes narrowed, I lost all awareness of things happening around me, my shoulders, spine, and Self turned into a turtle shell.

I wish I could say exactly why or how I thought what I thought next, but I'm unable.  I only know that I became aware of my Self breaking up into little hard parts.  Then less than a minute later I remembered my A/O joint.  A deep breath was allowed in.  I took in my surroundings.  My jaw unclenched.  I lengthened, widened, and deepened.  And most exciting and interesting was that after I noticed these physical changes occurring, the next thought that came into my head was, "There's nothing I can do about this email right now; and it's quite possible I am getting carried away with my emotions.  Maybe I do not fully understand what the email is saying".  How awesome is that?!  I think that is totally rad that thoughts can inspire AT and AT can inspire thoughts.

Even though I am unable to explain why or how I became aware of my Self, I'm very thankful that I did.  It is becoming a little easier for me... little bit by little bit.

Of course, this all leads me to wish I could be this "with it" (utilizing AT) while I'm mad, sad, upset, frustrated, hurt etc. etc.  My instinct says, all of those feelings are normal and needed in my life... where AT can help me the most is in the recovery of such strong feelings and emotions.  How odd would it be if I remained the "good Alexander student" through a very tough time.  I'd be like a Zen Zombie or something.  Yuck.

Confession

So, I need to confess that sometimes I feel anxiety when I am getting ready to write a post for this blog.  My brain goes into pressure mode... "I need to write something smart & witty" or "I'm not sure that what I have to say is interesting enough so maybe I should just pass on writing today"... you get the idea.  A couple of times these thoughts have crept into my conscious mind I have recognized and named them out loud as Fear.  That alone has helped me to Pause and reevaluate where that thought stems from.

I was talking with my AT teacher, the fabulous Sarah Barker, about this just the other day.  And she was so thrilled for me.  Ha!  Sometimes I think it's so funny the things that get us AT people excited.  Anyway, she pointed out to me what a wonderful time of experimentation this blogging thing could be for me.  I will be (and am) practicing INHIBITION when I blog.

For kicks, I'd like to attempt to explain what I know Inhibition to be.  Simply put, it's allowing a Pause to happen before I do something (anything).  Within that Pause, I will Direct myself.  So, if I am cleaning in the kitchen thinking about what I am going to blog next, I might notice some physical tension or tightness.  I will then Inhibit (Pause and Direct).  Then, I might sit at the computer and have the impulse to think of something "brilliant" to write.  I will Inhibit again.  And again.  And again.  

What am I Inhibiting exactly?  My old habits... my reactionary patterns to a stimulus.  Have you noticed your patterns?  Some of mine include: tightening of the jaw, shortened breaths, blinders on my eyes so that I zero in on my target.  The Inhibiting allows me to take a moment to say to myself, "sure, I can go ahead and allow my old habits to happen but what would happen if I consciously take a breath, Think Forward and Up, then acknowledge and become aware of my whole environment.  Typically what happens is that I find myself more centered, more in control (but not in an aggressive way), lightness, and freedom in my whole body.  

How much time does this Inhibiting take? I think at first when one is learning it, it can take a few moments.  But after time, patience and practice, Inhibiting will become the new habit and will most likely become like an automatic response.  This is my guess... I'm still taking my time when I Inhibit.  So, writing this one blog has taken me a little longer than my habitual self would have liked.  BUT, I can happily say that my body (and Self) are happier, healthier and thankful for the extra time.

Direct Your Thought

One of Alexander's principles is 'Direction'.  My current understanding of what this principle teaches is that 'Direction' is not a specific place like North, South, East or West but rather we, each of us, has the power to direct our own thoughts in order to make changes.

In regard to the Primary Control, the 'Direction' we give ourselves is, 'Forward and Up'.  Physically (if you will permit me for a moment to separate the mind from the body) when I think of 'Forward and Up' I visualize my A/O joint and then I picture an arching arrow continuing to spiral my Self up and out of the top of my scull.  The effect for me (right now anyway) is one of lengthening, lightness, full breaths, and the ability to move in any direction at any given moment.  (That's quite a bit going on for a simple little phrase!)  There are many other 'Directions' we can give ourselves, but for this moment I wanted to use this one example.

What I have been most intrigued with lately is how 'Direction' is beyond the physical example I mentioned.  I am learning that my entire life (physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually etc.) is supported and propelled by how I choose to Direct My Thought.  For example, if I continually speak to my Self in a negative context, those directions will have a negative effect on my entire Self.  So if I decided to make a change in my life... if I decide that I want to change my habit of negative self talk... I absolutely can do that!  I also have to realize that changing a habit is difficult and will take time.  I will need to remind myself that when I repeat the habit that I want to eradicate, that I am not perfect, that I've lived with this habit for a very long time, and I also need to congratulate myself for simply noticing my old habit.  Behavioral change can be a very good thing and it can also take a very long time.

What I LOVE is that I do have the power within me to change my habits.  Which means that I can change my life to make it what I want it to be.  And I can do ALL of this with just a Thought.

A Painful End-Gaining Experience

SO... I had a wonderful day with my brother celebrating his 40th birthday at a place called Catamount in upstate NY.  (Check it out:  http://www.catamounttrees.com/)  It's wonderland of zip-lines, balancing on wires 30+ feet in the air (attached to a harness of course), and a plethora of obstacles that is mentally & physically challenging.  Basically it's an obstacle course in the trees.

I was on this one course high up in the trees.  I'm attached to my harness & safety line.  The challenge was to step on to these "floating" logs while you hold on to the safety wire as you make your way across a 20 foot span until you can step onto the  landing zone.  I was doing SO FANTASTIC!  I was having a blast... smiling, laughing but all the while focusing on my foot placement.  OK - so then I get to the last two floating logs and I lost my Self.  I was looking to the landing zone instead of the challenge directly in front of me.  While over-reaching the log, my foot slipped, I "fell"but my arms held me up on the steel cables as they dug into my arms.  I didn't panic, but felt a lot of pain from the steel cable.

I knew instantly that I was end-gainging.  But, I didn't panic and I didn't beat myself up for end-gaining... which I am very happy about.  Not too long ago, I would have been upset at myself for getting wrapped up in end-gaining.  But on this day, I just said to myself - it is what it is and that's OK.  We all end-gain (even our most loved AT teachers :D

Another AT lesson that has been tangibly experienced in my real life.  I love it when that happens!

Inclusion and Exclusion

I had the opportunity to attend an AT workshop this past June in Charlottesville, VA at the Seven Oaks Retreat Center.  The workshop was organized by Jan Baty - here's her website: AT at Seven Oaks

I was in a group session with Jan teaching and we began to explore this idea of inclusion and exclusion.  The exercise was that we decided (through thought only) to include our partner.  Include meaning - accept, offer space, and to encourage a connection with that person.  The next part of the exercise was to Exclude (through thought only) our partner.  Exclude meaning - push away, ignore, & discourage a connection.  I was BLOWN AWAY at the power of thought.  Even though I was privy to what my partner was doing to me (including or excluding) it brought back childhood memories of wanting to fit in on the play ground... it was a deep, instantaneous understanding of inclusion/exclusion that was very familiar to me.

I found this exercise EXTREMELY helpful for where I am as an AT teacher trainee.  Sometimes, when I'm practicing giving a lesson, it is so easy for me to want to include my student so very much that I lose myself.  Or I find that sometimes when I am overwhelmed with my own life I might exclude my student (consciously or unconsciously) and... well... that wall would not be helpful to my student or to me!

I have been thinking about this exercise for a few weeks now.  I am realizing that it is something I struggle with on a daily basis.  I want so very much for everyone around me to feel included, welcomed, and connected that I drain my own energy.  In other words... I can be inclusive all I want, but I do not have any control over whether or not the student chooses to be included.  This exercise has helped me understand that I have my own Self - I always will.  I am here breathing my space and I am choosing to include this person.  If they are choosing not to be included, then I am alright with that.  For whatever reason, they are where they are and maybe if I continue to include them, without losing myself, they might choose to open up a little to our connection.

The British Medical Journal - Alexander Technique & Back Pain

This was a fascinating study that came out in 2008.  I hope there will be many more studies in the near future!  Enjoy.

Frederick Matthias Alexander

From the website: AlexanderTechnique.com

F. M. Alexander (1869 - 1955) was a Shakespearean actor from Australia.  Back then, actors often would travel to people's homes or small venues to recite and perform.  F. M. would perform whole Shakespeare plays as a one man show.  Shakespeare is not known for his brevity, so as you can imagine, F.M. spoke and projected his voice for long periods of time.  Over some time, he began to lose his voice.  He visited doctors and they found no physical reason for his vocal loss so they suggested he rest his voice for a couple of weeks.  After a few weeks of rest, he would perform another play and lose his voice in the middle of the performance.  He visited many doctors who all told him the same thing, "rest your voice and then you'll be fine for your next performance".  Yet, he never experienced long-term healing from resting his voice.

So, he started to think to himself... maybe it's something I'm doing (a habit) that is interfering with my vocal mechanism which is causing me to lose my voice during performances.  That one thought set him on a path of self study.  He tediously watched himself in mirrors, notating what happened to his physicality when he spoke.  He analyzed his thought process - the thoughts he would have just before he spoke - and how they directly related to his physical habits.  

Over time he developed his own technique that helped him retrain his self (mind and body) so that he could move and speak with greater ease.  He didn't just apply this technique to his speaking but to ALL of his everyday activities.  He found such great success with this technique that the doctors that couldn't help him before wanted F.M. to teach them his new technique.  His actor friends want to learn from him what he discovered so they could apply it to their own personal and professional lives.  After 35 years of teaching people what he learned, he then began to teach people how to become teachers of his technique.

My two cents - One of the things I love about the Alexander Technique is that F.M. never said his work was complete.  He wouldn't say, "that's it, I've got it... now everyone do what I did so that you can get it right".  Instead, I feel very encouraged by his writings, and my AT teachers and peers to keep discovering for myself.  F.M. has given us a TREMENDOUS road map with signs posted to help us along our way.  And I am very excited to take a side trip down a road that has been overlooked.  So, I like to ponder the thought... what will I discover along my journey?